July 17, 2009 10:50 AM Time to break out my favorite love quote, yeppers.

"Have you ever been in love?

Horrible, isn't it?

It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up.

You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and your life isn't your own anymore.

Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "Maybe we should just be friends" or "How very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.

It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love.

I hate love. "

- Neil Gaiman; Sandman - The Kindly Ones

Posted by beck at 10:50 AM | Comments (0)

July 16, 2009 08:41 PM Two videos.

The first is another from David Sides. He's the guy who takes songs and makes them go with piano and just rocks at it. So here's Keri Hilson's "Knock you Down" featuring Ne-Yo and Kanye West:



And the second is cause you never were and you never will be mine. Robyn's "Be Mine:



Posted by beck at 08:41 PM | Comments (0)

July 15, 2009 10:11 AM I will say this . . .

If there is anything I am, it can be overly critical. So I thought this morning, why do I always go after all my traits? There has to be something that I am proud of, that makes me happy? I can be driven when I want to. Stubborn, but to a point where I know what I may want in the future and no matter what people say, I work to get it (that's where I first moved out came from). But there's something that gets me in trouble sometimes that I do want to reflect on. I can be emotional. I feel. I wear my heart on my sleeve and it gets trampled or hurt lots of times. That's how I roll.

I don't like that I sometimes blurt out things or that I can rush forward into situations that I know logically might be wrong. No, I'm not proud that sometimes I cause issues with people because I am feeling hotheaded or upset. Rather than calmly take in matters, I can sometimes make things worse. I get that and understand those shortcomings.

But I'll never apologize for feeling. I generally express myself in earnest. I hurt deeply when I hurt and when I am happy with someone, it strikes me and ignites me. When I let someone in, I really want to let them in to share and I think that chases people away. I'm intense, but it's because I am just generally expressing myself fully.

I don't want to be cold. I don't want to be iced up. I want to know that things affect me and that tears can pour from my eyes in movies. I like my emotions.

Posted by beck at 10:11 AM | Comments (0)

July 14, 2009 10:11 AM Dreams Suck.

I think the worst thing, when endings things with someone, is pretending that they are not on your mind. I talk about it, but I try to go through my day without thinking about him. About how I would like to talk to him. Mostly about how I could fuck everything up so grandly in one night. But your subconscious mind, it doesn't let you rest. It doesn't say "I know you're really trying, Brian, so we'll move on." No, instead you get fucking dreams. I've always had really fucking vivid dreams; well, these don't help. Cause you wake up in the morning and then they are on your mind, first thing, when you don't want them to be. How fair is that?

I dreamed that he came over. That he'd had a conversation with someone (it started off as a friend, then changed to his mother) who told him that he should move on from sleeping around and settle. So he decided to try it with me.

I had a dream where we just talked about our days and I told him about how I was seeing Potter tonight. None of that happened.

It happened with Dan. It happened when I stopped being friends with Mark. It's weird and I don't get it, but it happens. Stupid subconscious work your shit out so I don't have to deal with it during the day.

Posted by beck at 10:11 AM | Comments (0)