August 4, 2009 05:09 PM
Today.
today i introduced someone to owl city and they liked it.
today i wrote 12 journal entries and finished that segment of my class.
today i made an appointment to go get my tuxedo measurements for a wedding.
today i pondered life's hard questions.
today i downloaded some new tunes.
Posted by beck at 05:09 PM
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August 2, 2009 11:10 PM
And then he told me.
I don't have very much luck when it comes to love. I think that's a documented fact that I take for granted. Some of it has been my fault, some of it hasn't been. I'm not a perfect boyfriend, in fact i can be shitty. And I guess that's what growing up is about. But still, I recently tried it again. Letting myself fall for someone I mean. I let some of my guard down and started to think about things, even though I was telling myself otherwise. And it didn't go well. And then it went even worse. So I stopped talking to him, because that's how you deal. You ignore it and move on and don't pretend all the bullshit of "we should be friends". Because you can't, no matter what the other person might say.
So I was surprised when he imed the other night. I was getting over it and was back to my not dating, single life. And then he tells me that he is sick and that it's pretty serious. At 4am. We have this conversation at 4am and now he's back in my mind all over again.
I'm not mad that he told me, I just . . . wish that I hadn't signed on. Did he tell me because he cares or because he needed someone to talk to? What does he want me to do with this knowledge? Do I make myself available again and ask what he wants, when the answer is probably just someone that night to vent too. Which is fine, I guess. But it's got me all confused again.
What's worse is that I feel fucking selfish for even thinking this shit when someone else is dealing with dying.
Posted by beck at 11:10 PM
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