January 23, 2010 06:41 PMMe to Ali, Jan 22nd, 2010.
me: So at the gym, they have little tvs on my eliptical machine
so it helps pass the time
I usually watch "bones" cause I'll go at 7
and stay for an hour
well i went today and bones, not on.
But i went to TNT anyway, because i can watch L&O or something equally procedural
BUT... they had a moooovie
so i ended up watching the first hour of titanic with some commerical breaks.
I did not remember that film taking so fucking long to start.
I was like "Enough with the old lady, where is my Kate?!"
Some music to help you through your weekend. Ou Est Le Swimming Pool's "Dance the Way I feel", Lil Wayne's "Drop the World" featuring Eminem, Nick Jonas & The Administration's "Who I Am", and Does it Offend You, Yeah's "Being Bad Feels Pretty Good"
January 21, 2010 06:38 AMCan't sleep, time to do sitsups and make breakfast. Natch.
College humor has this pretty funny Famous last status updates. I'm up early again, mostly because seven hours is usually my sleep limit. I keep waking up at 5:30 and then falling back asleep. Even 6:45 just seems so late for me. Freehold what have you done?!
I don't want to rush through student teaching, but I know me. I am going to start planning ahead and getting ready and it's going to be inevitable that I'll start a countdown somewhere. Oh well, it's my nature, why fight it? It's not actually detrimental, just a sad little truth about my state of mind. Whee.
Today I begin student teaching. In two weeks, I am going to be taking over my first class. Official this time. I am going to be large and in charge. Wow. This is where it all comes to a head; time to man up, to put up or shut up. To come up with a way to break into the heads of a bunch of teenagers and figure out how to connect with them. I won't lie, I am slightly intimidated as fuck. Only because it's tough to come into a situation already developed and then try to put on my own spin. But I'm not backing down from this challenge. I am going to rock.
In fifteen weeks, I will be done and completed. I know that's rushing, but it's just around the horizon. April 30th. Then I have to start setting myself up for something new, mainly getting a job.
March 1st is the job fair that I signed up for last night. I have to finish up that application some, but I am going to be thrilled to have the opportunity to prove myself. By then I'll have already started taking over all my classes and hopefully will be doing a bang up job. High hopes.
Closer... in sixteen days I am going to be back in Orlando again. We talk almost every day now. On the phone. Routine, for about thirty minutes. He still says adorable things. He texts or calls me when he gets home at night. I really think I might actually like this one.
Today's horoscope gave me some hope (ha!): There is something to be said about being a little grounded, isn't there, Aries? You know this all too well, and you are certainly enjoying this moment now when it comes to romance. What is happening right now is very close to this happy that you have been looking for, so lay the groundwork well and you will reap the rewards. It is also a time to go with the flow when it comes to your romance. That means take things slow, nothing intense or rushed, this one isn't going anywhere any time soon.
Hmm, do they mean the budding uh... whatever isn't or R.N.S. is here to stick around for a bit?
Some people found it weird that I would be upset about the gay marriage loss two Thursdays ago. Not because it happened, they understood that, but that I was adamant that waiting four or eight years for a new governor was just too long. "But you're not even in a relationship." True enough, but why should my current relationship status effect my understanding of what is naturally right and wrong? Moreso, who knows when I'll end up dating someone or if something will just fall in your lap? My dating history may have been sporadic lately, but I've enjoyed that... and truth be told, sometimes I've engineered it.
Of my big relationships, there were two main ones: Eric and Dan. Overall, I've only really been in major relationships for about two years (with them combined). There have been lots of mini little things here and there, such as Mike or Scott or Nick. But really, since Dan, I've been focused on school and engaged in flirtations that have almost always ended badly.
For instance, the mess that was Mark. Or Tony for that matter. Or the various people that I've sorta saw and then just gave up contacting for one reason or another. Some of it has to do with confidence: I am not always comfortable with my own appearance, so why should others? Sometimes it's the challenge: I find people that I shouldn't emotionally be attached to and get attached. Like the guy who is constantly talking about his boyfriend, but is looking for a reason to cheat. Alternatively, the guy with a really checkered background who should be more focused on dealing with his rehab and less on boys. That kind of stuff.
So I get nervous when I meet someone that I truly like. For instance, Rob. I know we only really hung out for three days, but there was something about him that attracted me. For the most part, it was because he responded to me. He was adorably cute and cuddly and there was comfort there. So far, I can't see the bad warning signs that I should be getting. He has fun, but who wouldn't at his age (23?) when working at Disney? Maybe we're at different stages, who knows? Also, I am sitting here typing this and the only real hint that I have that he likes me is that we chat and talk on the phone. But even then I could fuck things up rather soundly.
He's British, so eventually he'll go back to London. And he works at Disney, so distance is there no matter what. Yet, the one thing that holds me back from relationships is that I always state I have no time. Long Distance would be the best thing for me... you make plans and those times are special and you just make sure to keep in contact. But then again, what's good for me might not be good for him. Because obviously, we've only known each other for a week and even talking about this is all premature.
But if anything, I have and always will be a dreamer and a planner. I like to set my life up on tracks that I then work to complete. I knew that I would graduate in a certain amount of years, and I did. Now I have to work on finishing student teaching, and I will. Then get a job. From there, I can begin saving for the apartment / condo in Asbury Park that I want. Somewhere in there, I can also plan out the possible track that this whole flirtation could take if he's willing to join in on this little venture of the mind.
I haven't liked a boy who seems to be kind and nice in a while. I haven't enjoyed the company of a guy who was willing to kiss me in public, but is almost certainly straight acting. He has a wicked cute smile, he has beautiful eyes, and he's adorably fun to argue with. There's a lot of good going for him at this time... so it's almost inevitable that I would begin hoping.
How does this go back to the opening? They're right, I may not be in a relationship. But guys can enter your life out of the blue. I took a chance with Rob by leaving my number with a little drawing that I had done of him. It was the first time I had ever been so bold and it paid off. Maybe this won't work out. But the fact is, someone else could come around the corner. So if not Rob, anyone, and then the fact that I do have to wait four years... or eight years... well that becomes a depressing reality, no?