What I've come to reflect on. I know that there was something there. I know he had feelings for me and was definitely attracted and into me. I know that the picture I had drawn of him, the one that scored me the first contact to begin wtih, was still hanging above his bed come Sunday. I know that there was something there.
I'll never know what changed. I have to come to terms with this. But part of me is angry that I know that I began to push, although not as much as normal, and once more that may have chased someone away.
It doesn't excuse this weekend. It doesn't excuse me receiving only an email. But my Sunday email was a game changer because then it went from wanting to call Brian, to having to call Brian. And when things become a duty instead of a want, than people begin to resent them.
I know that hindsight is a gift that all of us are cursed with, but I'll never forgive myself for not just going down last weekend and seeing what would have happened.
For a few weeks I was happy to be with a guy again. I haven't felt that way for a long time. I was with someone that was considerate and called and wanted to see me. Whatever changed, I guess I should take comfort in that. I just wish I knew where it went wrong...
Where you look back and wonder what you did wrong. What you could have said or done differently that would have affected the outcome. It doesn't change the present. The present is now set and you're still going to be alone, wondering why? I know when it shifted. I know when my reactions started and I attempted to reign them in. I wonder if I could have done it even more differently, not reacted on Thursday at all or wrote that email Sunday. Would it have changed things? It depends perhaps on what really happened, which I suspect I may never know.
I didn't get a phone call today, I got an email. Even when I wrote back asking to discuss the monetary situation that needs to be addressed. I wonder if I shall ever hear from him again. The distance prevents there ever really being a reason for us to talk and unless I travel down to visit Ryan and Jeremy, there isn't much of a point. I mean, I will visit them, but what would be the point of contacting someone who is only going to disappoint me in the end?
It bothers me that the only reason I pursued this was because of his interest in me. And that something shifted and I will never quite understand what it was. I like closure and I feel as if i shall never get my closure from him. Or at least not in a manner that is close and in sight.
At the present, I feel more left down than I do actual sadness. I imagine the sadness might come. I'll survive, I'll get over this, but I'll admit... I saw a possible future. And he'll never know that I was willing to move to Orlando for a few months after student teaching. Eventually he'd have moved back, but I'd have been there for a few months...
I can only wonder what really happened... and how much of it was caused by me. And by that, how much of it was caused by my anxiety when I knew he was starting to shift away. Did I push him ever so slightly? It's not my fault that his feelings began to ebb and if there was someone else involved, then that's obvious as well. But at the same time, there are things I should/could have done that would have at least prevented this from coming on the day before I was meant to leave, yes?
i'll always wonder what would have happened if I had come down anyway last weekend...
Push for the conversation now or wait till this weekend, when i am already rather certain of the outcome. It's funny. I went from someone who called me all the time to one night, when he went out with friends, I hardly ever hear from him. What happened? He met someone. He hasn't told me yet, but I've read the signs and I'm not stupid. This sucks. Worse, he's being shady about it. I know we had distance, but I thought we at least had respect for one another. Come on, man. I don't think I deserve this... right?
Somewhere right after Thanksgiving, I had hit the heaviest I had ever been in my life: 182. For my height (5'8), that's pretty bad. It's considered overweight. Worse, I felt it... I felt lethargic and bloated. I didn't like the person in the mirror. I know that's repeated multiple times by multiple people, but once more, as this was the heaviest I had ever weighed, I knew I wasn't at my optimal fitness. So I joined a gym. I began going pretty regularly, but finals cut into my ability to attend with a solid regularity. But after I came home from Orlando, I managed to begin really working at it. At least five or six times a week. So where does this leave me? Well at this point I can proudly say that I am dropped down to 167 this morning. That's the lightest I've been in... two years! Wow.
So what are my goals? I want my abs back. I don't want to be butch, but I would like to have some definition. I want to be at the beach and not have to worry about any belly fat being bothersome. I would like to be 155 in a perfect world, but I'll be happy with a fit looking 160 if it means that these lovehandles are gone. Gym at 6, then lifting tonight.