March 23, 2004 11:38 AM
4. The Return from the Blue Lagoon

Or; because “black” sounds racist and “blue” is reminiscent of Brooke Shields

So, all right, I’m not sure where to begin. I guess let me first apologize for being so damned late for this meeting. After the last rant (see BFF!!!) I felt numb for a few weeks, nothing was bothering me and nothing was making me any happier. For the time being those issues have been resolved, and I’ve been meaning to write something for months. Clearly, a lot has happened in the world (if not necessarily, specifically, my life) since October, and clearly, I’ve missed my chance to comment. So, let’s play a little game of catch-up.

1. The Governator – Sure, this seems a little hackneyed at the moment, but I might as well throw in my change. Arnold Schwarzenegger (I expect some proofreading from my editors for this) [Proofread...HAH - Brian] was elected the governor of California. The Terminator, the guy who killed the Predator, Conan the Barbarian, Kindergarten fucking Cop is now the governor of California? Shyeah, right. This is a “Dallas” moment. Next fall we’re all going to collectively wake up, take a shower, and over our morning coffee we’re going to realize it is still the year 2000. Not only has Ah-nuld not been given the chance to run Cali back into the Reaganawesomely era of the 80’s, but we still have a chance to elect the right man for president, I haven’t fucked up college, and Rene Zelleweger is still known only as “the chick from ‘Jerry Maguire’.” But, despite all that, I honestly don’t understand how a state with that many Jews, and homosexuals, and left-wing hard asses could elect an untalented, inexperienced, conservative Austrian body-builder who lives in a marriage paradox as it is (his wife is a Kennedy, natch) without themselves waking up the next day and collectively slapping their palms to their heads and shouting, “Oy!”

2. The MPAA bans Screener Tapes – Truth be told, this was the first topic that would have incited my bold return to this forum. Instead, they turned over their ruling and allowed the studios to send the proper tapes to the proper people. Sadly, they didn’t make that decision out of an understanding for the Indy Film plight, or for fairness, or, simply, for realizing their utter stupidity. Rather, they retracted their ban because of the pressure of practically everyone else in Hollywood. On that regard I must congratulate the Celebrazzi for their efforts, surely, without them, our Oscar nominees would have consisted of tripe the likes of which we haven’t seen since the Green Mile. Can you imagine an Oscar Ceremony where the best picture winner LOTR: The Return of the King has to share billing with Seabiscuit or Master and Commander? Oh, fuck... well, at least they tried. But this brings up another point, this whole screener debate and the moving up of the awards procedures has apparently damaged Oscar’s reputation. To which I respond: huh-whaaa? So what, Mr. Harvey fucking Weinstein, if Cold Mountain wasn’t nominated? To suggest that the film itself received no recognition because of those factors is infantile at best. Clearly people saw the movie and enjoyed elements in it, how else can you claim victory for the aforementioned Zelleweger? Gag me. As well, the other spectrum seems to think there were too many random Indy nominees. Join me this time: huh-whaaa? I agree it was odd that Keisha Castle-Hughes made history as the youngest best actress nominee in history, or that Shorheh Aghdashloo (I believe that’s right) went from Iranian Refugee Nobody to Best Supporting Actress Contender. But, aren’t we being just a little, well, paranoid? The actresses performed superbly in well-written roles, and what other reason is there to win an award? Bah. So, the Oscar Show itself was the worst I’d seen since Whoopi Goldberg’s horridly hosted rendezvous with destiny, the people who won, or had the chance to win, were some of the most diverse and most deserved I’ve ever seen.

3. The O.C. – Now, before anyone gets up in arms, I don’t have anything against the FOX TV mini-phenom. In fact, I like it. The Cohen men are the best father-son duo since Sanford and San, allowing Peter Gallagher to go from creepy character actor with eyebrows big and bushy enough to hide Osama to a genuinely enjoyable screen presence with eyebrows big and bushy enough to hide Osama. No, my problem with The O.C. has nothing to do with the quality or the quantity of the soap and melo- baked inside the drama, rather my problem is with a sole episode and how they dealt with two divergent faiths. No, the Jews and the Christians didn’t finally have an all-out brawl settling once and for all who was right and who was more right (that comes later). It was your standard “Chrismukkah” episode of any teen angst ridden play... except in involved that previously apostrophe’d word. All I could say was god fucking damn it. Chrismukkah? CHRISMUKKAH?! I’ve nothing against sharing presents under a flag of truce, even if the pretense is dueling/dual religions, except for the fact that it was my god damned idea. For years my Jewish friend Ryan and I have celebrated something we hold dear, something very similar to this O.C. watershed of cleverly written jokes about Jews and WASPS. We swap gifts, share a laugh, and say Happy Hannumas. That’s right, HAN-NU-MAS! Hannumas. Now, doesn’t that just roll off the tongue far more pleasantly than Chrismukkah? Moses, please, that sounds like something I’d catch at the VD clinic. That or the coughing noises a cat makes after licking its own genitals. But “Hannumas” that just... ooh, I just love the way that flits through the air. As if it existed before it was ever uttered— the way all good words do, like “ambulatory” or “pugnacious” (speaking of which, both those words could be used to describe this rant tonight). So, I plead to all my brethren, all those who share their holiday spirit (and spirits) with a friend of the Jewish faith (or, conversely, the Christian) to join me and decry this “Chrismukkah” bullshit. Rise up and scream aloud the beautiful poetry of one phrase: “HAPPY HANNUMAS” to everyone, and good will toward men. As for the believers in Hinduism, Islam, Buddhism and Mormonism... suck it.

4. The Passion of the Christ - Jesus... Overall I thought the movie was a decent piece of filmmaking... bravado or no bravado, controversy or no controversy it's not a bad movie. Then again, it's not the great movie it wanted to be or it should have been, or what people declare it as being. Nor is it the same Anti-Semitic drivel that others seem to claim so adamantly, marring its image. Of course, I'm not Jewish, Christian, or anything else institutionalized, so maybe I missed something. Rather, I’m a spiritually secular whatchamacallit and it was apparent to me that other than seeing a man beaten nearly to death in such a violent manner as portrayed in the film, I didn't really care about the character of Jesus of Nazareth. Again that’s from the movie’s own perspective. Thus, my problem with the movie has nothing to do concerning the controversies surround it. Instead, I’m pissed off as a wannabe filmmaker. It should be the storyteller's first and most important concern that the story s/he is telling interests/entertains/educates/drives an emotional response for/from the audience... which this movie fails to do in a compelling manner. My interest was in seeing the movie behind the so-called controversy. Upon satisfying that desire the interest I had was lost when Mel Gibson and his screenwriters no longer entertained or educated or connected with me emotionally. Sure, I'd feel empathy for ANY man or woman scourged in the same or similar way Jesus was forced to handle— if Hitler’s face wasn’t embedded into my memory and I saw this man with a silly mustache and haircut being caned, whipped, altogether lacerated, I think I'd try to stop it in any way that I could. Granted, once I was informed of that man was, I might be first in line deliver the finishing blow. However, The Passion doesn't really tell us who Jesus was from any definite points of view. Some think he's the messiah while others think he's a blasphemer/rowdy rebel just wanting to stir things up, even others seem to think he serves some sort of purpose but are too limp to have any real convictions. And apparently the androgynous Satan finds him attractive (who wouldn’t find that prosthetic nose appealing?) and the beatings oddly sexually sadistic. Right. Anyway, if one is not raised on the Gospels and does not hold the life and sacrifice of Jesus Christ in their heart, then The Passion of the Christ won't stir you in the way it will stir those that do keep it sacred. Some can sit here and argue that it’s the artist’s prerogative to tell the story s/he wants to tell. And I won’t disagree with that. But if you’re making a movie, and you want to make people (all people) feel something for your main character, then it you’ve got to show that character before shit starts hitting the fan. And inventing the tall table and chairs just doesn’t do it for me. So, my loyal fans I say this: For a far more interesting/entertaining/educational/and emotional movie about Jesus, please go watch The Last Temptation of Christ. No matter how "human" Mel Gibson tried to make his Nazarene, Martin Scorsese had him beat nearly 20 years ago and made out with a more satisfactory and even more religiously proud movie than the former could ever imagine. And I may be wrong, but the fact that we see Jesus fall 7 times on the way to Golgotha, each collapse done in painstakingly beautiful slooooooow-moooooootion, is just an absurdly boring and poor directorially made decision to illustrate that particular numerical and religious theme. But that's just me... Christ.

Okay kids, I think you’ve had enough. I would apologize for the rambling and scrambling, but that’s what you paid for was it not? Nevertheless, if you could be so kind and pass the salt... I’ve got some words to eat. And with a mouthful I say stay tuned for next time. Who knows when that’ll be?

-Rob

Posted at 11:38 AM | Comments? (430)